One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop.
He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?” The man replied, “I’m so poor I can’t afford a thing to eat.”
So the lawyer said, “Poor guy come back to my house.” The guy then said, “But I have a wife and three kids.”
The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house,
it is so kind of you.” The lawyer said, “You’re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall.”
Accident in the Hotel Lobby
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
The Birthday Present
A woman needed to buy her mother a birthday present. She didn’t know what to buy her mother. She only had one day to buy her mother something.
So she went out window shopping. Soon enough, she walked by a pet store window. She thought to herself, “What a lovely idea for a present! My mother is so lonely and she needs a pet.”
The woman went into the store and saw many wonderful animals. Puppy dogs, fluffy cats, gold fish, cute mice. But the woman didn’t think these were special enough. She asked the manager if he had a pet that was really special.
The manager thought for a moment and replied, “Yes, but it costs a lot of money. $5,000”
“I have a parrot that can speak 7 languages, Chinese, English, French, Korean, German, Russian and even Hindi!”
The woman said, “Perfect” and bought the bird. She sent it by special delivery to her mother, so she would get it the next day.
The next evening after work, the woman called her mother. She asked, “How do you like your birthday present.”
Her mother replied, “Thank you, IT’S DELICIOUS!”.
A Worldly Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of Angel at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
Angel answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
Angel responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Bush’s clock?” asked the man.
“Bush’s clock is in God’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
Best Way to Cure
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will waitoutside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.”
One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike.
His mother said, At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you want, don’t you?”
“Yes,” replied Johnny, “but it isn’t Christmas.”
His mother said, “Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him.”
Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter: Dear Jesus, I’ve been a good boy and I would like a new bike. Your Friend, Johnny
He thought about this and decided to start a new letter. Dear Jesus, Sometimes I’m a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided to write another letter. Dear Jesus, I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided that he didn’t like that one either. He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up the statue and hurried home.
He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter. Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike ! your friend, Johnny.
International Cruise Ship
Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world’ tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.
Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, “Friends, we are in trouble because of God’s being angry with us. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved.”
All of them moved towards the Deck where a Japanese came forward and shouted “Long live Japan” and jumped into the sea.
Then a Pathan stepped forward said “Allahu Akbar” and dived into the sea.
After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Israeli Jew came forward near the railing and chanted,
And kicked the Indian Standing next to him in the sea.